Dear J

dear J,

I bubbled up with anger this morning. As much as I try to shake you off, I can't.
You stick to me, like a dirty flea that has buried itself into my skin, and I can't seem to pluck it out.
Or I don't want to.
As much as I know it is bad for me. As much as I know it needs to go.
Why D told me, " I talked to J and he told me you are not talking to him."
I turned away with a shrug before I became a volcano, hot lava pouring out of me.

I am not the one, not talking to you.
You are the 33 year old / 13 year old.
The one who ignores rather than faces all of the mistakes he has made.
You are the one who can't seem to express how he feels, nor deal with what you have done.
What you have done is become a natural disaster in my life,
pulling me along for your own selfish reasons.
All the while knowing how you feel. How I feel.
Does it give you pleasure to mess with my feelings?
Is this something that gives you satisfaction?
Breaking someone apart?
Is it because someone broke you?
Rather than be put back together, you need to break me?

I have this fantasy where all of this was for something,
all of the last year ,
all of the wasted time.
Becomes worth it in the end.
You man up, you want more, you need more, you realize what a catch I am.
Oh, and I am!

Not even you, could bring me down from that.
You would be lucky to have me,
I would accept all of your faults.
I would accept who you are.

But then,
oh but then,
maybe I don't know who you are.
Maybe you wear a mask, a mask for everyone.
Maybe you are a deceiver,
a heart breaker,
maybe you have more than me.

If that's the case, then I've been faulted.
I was tricked.
Fraud of the year.
I believed,
for a minute,
I did. For 1 minute.
that maybe,
you had a kind kind heart, and an old soul.
One that wanted to take care of me,
one that wanted to be taken care of.

Have I always been wrong?