smashed..... heart... smashed... mind

is there something about me?
that demands walking all over.
I should turn into a bitch

sometimes I do
I am getting stronger
demanding when people treat me wrong in stores or appts to do something about it

maybe soon I will do it it real life.

its my face
it's too kind

I need a punch in the eye
and then people will be afraid

we are fires in the night.

sometimes I feel like I am the replacement Brenda.
we were both blond, and cute and funny.

it does not mean that you have to pretend to fall in love with me.
because that's what they are doing.
she's gone
so now it's me.

it's the same,
people I don't need to love me,

don't tell me your in love with me,
you don't even know the half of it.

I'm creepy,
aren't we all?

don't tell me you want me to come over,
I am shallow
and won't make out with your short bald head.

don't tell me I remind you of her

she's gone.
across the world

and I am still here.

beep beep beep

Something needs to jump in my head and wake me up.
Monday morning, second cup of weak coffee,
make a sticky note, to remind myself, make me strong,
the coffee will make me strong, and be strong.

Coffee isn't magical
neither am I.

I need a push to get though this day.
I need a man in my bed to persuade me to come home.

There is too much also to remember this week:
having ADD,
finish this stupid course that is driving me crazy.
dealing with my roomates,
dealing with the people all around me,
dealing with life.

Isn't life dealing?

beep, beep, beep
another day
another dollar

intrigue

they were trying to find me.
and I understand in a way.
or it makes me happy in a way.
because I am strange,
enough to want to find.

and it's true.
I am.
I imagine things banging at my window, even though it is probably just wind.

strange things happen to me,
like scarfs and perfume from Saudi Arabia,
asks for threesomes,
men who don't know how to talk,

and myself,
strange as I am,
with the strange things I do,
like yell about SPCA dogs,
send away for free things from the Internet
listen to university radio, and if not that only indie

dance moves in the kitchen
make a hobby out of breaking wine glasses, dreaming about all the things I could be (am I too old to dream about all the things I could be?) sometimes I think I am.
Sometimes I think it's never too late for me to be a child.
and a child I am.
I live for Archie comics,
candy and TV shows that are made for 6 years old. (Spongebob Square Pants!)



Rap:
I have long legs, its part of what makes me me. I got my hair done short, I don't have the patience to be.
One of those girls, who does their hair.
I don't have a care.

i tried to do handstands for you

This is the church we have been going to, to hear music and make me feel alive for a moment.
It was only once, for a moment, briefly that I thought about Jesus. My opinion is Jesus would have liked it.
I think Jesus was a hippie, a revolutionary, someone who wanted to change the strict clauses of restraint then.

I also don't think he would be happy with today.
Today's church that is.
Some of it.
Jesus would have liked the music.
Lifting happy souls up to the rafters.
Jesus would have liked the gays,
as long as everyone has someone.

But what do I know, I am just a crazy hippie.

here is a church and here is a steeple

reminds me of my grandparents,
who did not go to church to hear music drunk.

it's cold in my apartment,
another of the joys of living in a cheap place.
sometimes you have no say.

and I am too harsh on people.
and would give another chance if it was asked for.

I've discovered that most people would be no where without second chances.

tonight I am getting shitcanned.
just to see what happens,
me and my partner in crime.

i keep my eyes on the prize,
the prize being good times,
and making life not about what we need to do
but what we feel like doing.

indie pop and churches

last night was wonderful,
and interesting
and a feeling
of warmth

i could write a better story everyday that what actually happens.
we are not settlers,
that`s all.

my date and I (she) I could love her, if I could love shes
we are both starting to feel like we have to settle,
but we don`t.
I won`t.

shes beautiful,
beautiful,
long legs,
brown hair
show stopping eyes.

so what is it then
just something about about luck
timing,
lottery,
or settling
because I wont.

I believe in the story
and if not story

then I believe in myself

myself is pretty good people

no point of putting up with someone because your scared to be alone
I`m not alone

i have the fucking best friends.

on my mind thursday

it's colder today.
the temperature went down.
so did my hope.

it's a new day.
i am trying to be positive.
fucking positive.

today is just a clean slate.
a new beginning,
a million other things can happen.

he's just not it.
his eyes might be,
but the rest of him isn't.

eggs and despertation

come back and make me fall into the vortex.
the vortex was a place where I forgot everything bad.
everything I don't like, disappeared.
everything I worry about,
forgot to be worried.

vortex
you
come
back

should I believe it Tarot?

It's been so long since I have felt this way.
And I feel like I am going to puke and dance and fall of the edge.
And I want it to not happen
and then happen so much,
that I am not sure which way to turn.

I'm scared.
Fucking terrified.
With good reason I would think.
I've been so happy just being myself for so long.
Blue sweat pants, unshaven legs.

And what if you turn out to be what I am sure you will be?
gone?
a disaster?
a pimp?
a liar?
a cheater?
anything but wonderful.

But god damn,
it was so wonderful,
looking into your beautiful eyes,
the feelings of pure delight.
up and down like a hundred little stars tinkling through my arms.

That's when you say fuck it,
fuck it ,
fuck it,
even if this goes nowhere,
those couple of moments can go in my pocket.