mix-up head

I have been having trouble sleeping lately.
I barely ever have trouble sleeping.
I am wondering if it's my life being too much of a mix-up.
Maybe my head is upset with never knowing what is going on.
Maybe it wants to know when my next vacation is, when I can see Fou May, when life can be normal.
I just feel like I have been on a rocking rollarcoaster for so long now.
I maybe need to be bored.
I need to do the same thing for more than a few months,
I need benefits, and vacation time and a regular pay check.

Is that too much to ask?

Mothers and Daughters

I was sitting on the streetcar this morning going to work,
and this Chinese mother and daughter (she was about 12) got off in front of me.
The daughter was so hostile to her mother.
Do you remember being like that?
Hating your mother so much? Slamming doors and telling her she ruined your life.
I wanted to grab her little shoulders and shake the girl.
"Why are you being so mean to your mother? She is the only mother you'll have!"

But of course I couldn't.
I suppose we all need to hate our mothers.
To later love them.
Today I miss my mom.
In all her judgment glory.

When they got off the streetcar, the mother tried to hand the daughter an apple juice.
It feel onto the floor, and no one picked it up.
The girl walked in front of her mother across the street, trying so hard not to look back.

Monday, Monday....

I couldn't sleep last night.
I am not sure why,
normally with my vices, I can sleep just fine.
But not last night, I tossed and turned.

Me and J made Chocolate Chip cookies at 9 30 and I must have ate 5.
Maybe it was too much sugar so late.
Maybe it was my head being scared for Monday.
Who knows?

All I know is I feel shit-ty! today.

I went to see Pineapple Express yesterday.
What a piece of crap that was.
What is with all the movies having no strong female characters?
What is with weed and blowing stuff up being funny?
It made no sense.

And I like to have a puff and a laugh just as much as the next girl.

I really really did not get it.
The 5 mins of Dance Dance Revolution before the movie was the best part!

TGIF

well, it's Friday anyways.
I am glad about that.
I think I ate too many corn dogs, mini donuts and various other crap last night at the EX.
We went on a ride at like 11, Orbiter, something, and I really thought that was it for me.
I thought I was going to be the girl that pukes off the ride and people point at and everyone stares.

But I closed my eyes and took breaths, and hey! I didn't puke.
It was fun,
overwhelming,
We don't have anything that big back home.

Positive!

You know I just went out for lunch with some girls for work.
It was the first time I have ever done that
And I have been here over 4 months....
Maybe they are not so bad,
maybe they don't hate me.
Maybe
wait!
Maybe everything is going to be ok...
For the first time in a while
I feel
OK
WOW!

should I stay or should I go now?

So I am trying to be more positive and make a life.
I am lonely in Toronto, and all my friends and family are in the Maritimes.
And now my best friend in the city, the girl I came here with, is moving back to Halifax.
I know, I know,
she misses her boyfriend and she got a job there.
It just makes me so sad.
She was my safety net.

I don't know what to do.
I don't want to go back to Halifax and look for living arrangments, and a job and be lonely for my boyfriend.

But I don't want to stay here and miss my friends, my dog, my family and people who walk slow.

GOD!
Its seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So for now,
I am trying to be positive about where I am.
I started a running program yesterday, to try to get some happy thoughts in my head.
And by running, I mean walk/jog for the first while.
I am trying a program I found on coolrunning.com
And I joined meetup.com to try to meet some friends and do some activties.
I mean I have to do something to try to get out of this slump.
Maybe I can make new friends, get a new job and bring the dog to me,
then life would be ok again!

and my new jogging body could help too.....

Fou May

The best dog in the world, Fou May. Hails from Taiwan and is the biggest sweetest baby ever.

oh! I don't know.

I could have gone to a movie with two girlfriends at 9.
But I could'nt be bothered,
maybe I like feeling sorry for myself.
I like being in a slump?

common?

do deep down we all like being sad?
is it something we have to feel in order to be human?
is it part of our cycles, part of the stuff we are supposed to feel?

is feeling sad, somewhat good?

in a way, it hurts so good.

Today is Friday anyways

I have decided to start a blog because I am always thinking so many things and I feel like I am going through so many changes, I need to write.
Maybe it will calm me down, maybe it will even me out, make the things I deem so terrible, not so terrible.
Hoping.

I went to an arcade today in Union station. It seemed like an odd place for it.
Amongst all the suits, all the money and angst.
And the weirdest people were there.
A guy in a suit, playing the shooting gun game and drinking a Mike's hard lemonade.
Mike's hard lemonade in the arcade!
and a mother and her teenage son. they were the exact same size and playing the pin ball games.
They were very serious about it.

I played pinball. I pretty much sucked.

Off early today, which is good because I worked late last night.
Tired, and just getting over being sick.

Of course I am paranoid now, thinking that the veins in my legs are popping out.
I think things like that all the time.
I am one of those, what do you call them,

hyperconreaics?

That's another thing I suck at. Spelling,
I have not decided yet if I will spell check. yes I will,
just note I couldn't spell the above word.

I am also hungry,
something I often am.

One thing I will say in the first of many differences I am sure I will point out between living in Toronto ( where I am now ) and the Maritimes (where I am from).
I have only lived here for about 4 months, so I am still adjusting to the change.

Not that I am a young fresh no nothing.

I did live in Asia for 2 years and a bit.
And I am glad I had that experience, or maybe I could not handle Toronto at all.

Anyways back to the point:
I think more about eating here.
Its like everyone in the Maritimes loves to eat, and we eat whatever we want.

Here everyone around me seems to analyze ever morsel they put into their mouths.

I don't like it! I don't want to feel guilty about food.

I mean, I eat healthy, I do. I try.
But that does not mean I am not going to have some sour keys on the couch every night or pizza on Friday.
You have to enjoy life.

That's what I say.