you were looking like a city of electric light

you have had me in a vortex
and I've been trying to climb out, but not really.
I don't feel like I have a place to get out of it.
Or no choice to getting out really.
And I'm smoking to my again,
thinking I'm all screwed up again, Because I have a man in my life.
It should be making me better, not worse.
I wanna turn this thing around,
but I also want to get caught in a vortex again, where I forget about everyone I know, but him and
his eyes.
which really are like pools of something I am not sure if I can dip in to any more, any further, without falling in too deep.
I am already in too deep,
but I am a strong swimmer
and I am writing good songs about him
because he's a very appropriate
fucked up man
and that's my type.

I'm haunted.

by these shivers, of up and down, up and down.
and I thought I might have had enough liquid courage to open my mouth,
and I did. but I didn't get all the answers.
he'll never give me all the answers. he is more of a messed up ball of string then I am.
and so manly.
he's so god damn manly.
with his confused ideas,
and his strong ways.

I don't think the man is ready for me.

I can't really make you love me,

I can't.
actually I don't know who you are, but I am haunted by your face and the hope that some day you'll show up.

I am too sweet to be lonely.
arent I?

crawling out

I am crawling out of my bad stage.
Leaving it behind and I move beyond it and all the feelings I have
Like I can't
And I won't
I am crawling out,
and leaving behind
everything
as the summer was my prince
sweeping me back on my feet
in the fall he left me ( the prince that is, who is nothing in reality but a metaphor for my life)
but I have a feeling he will come back,
the prince crawling and begging me to be better.

i wish i was drunk tonight

I am just about to reach my breaking point.
just about to cry with the crapness of my life.
How much more can things be terrible for me
and it's not even like I am joking when I say that
every
little
fucking thing is going wrong

my health is shit
my money is shit
I'm being used by a man for more than one thing.
I am doing terrible in my course
I am struggling at life
I sometimes what to punch everyone around me

nothing can make this place seem right tonight

bob dylan and coffee thoughts

I quit smoking.
over a month ago.
So when I want to reflect,
it's only you now blog.

It's a thoughtful morning.
I looked up pictures on facebook of my first love,
he got married in the summer.
I heard it, but I guess I never really registered it.

It kind of feels like I am stuck behind everyone else,
and they get the smiling bike ride and the beautiful balloons.

sometimes I feel like I am lost, and I won't be found.
Sometimes I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be.

I'm holding on to hope, that I am doing what is right.
for me.
for now.

what's the big idea?

I think,
if you only have a little hold on something,
it's easy to slip off and forget you ever existed.
down, deep deep deep, into the death of everything that ever never really mattered.

other numbers are buzzing

who cares if yours was special?

smashed..... heart... smashed... mind

is there something about me?
that demands walking all over.
I should turn into a bitch

sometimes I do
I am getting stronger
demanding when people treat me wrong in stores or appts to do something about it

maybe soon I will do it it real life.

its my face
it's too kind

I need a punch in the eye
and then people will be afraid

we are fires in the night.

sometimes I feel like I am the replacement Brenda.
we were both blond, and cute and funny.

it does not mean that you have to pretend to fall in love with me.
because that's what they are doing.
she's gone
so now it's me.

it's the same,
people I don't need to love me,

don't tell me your in love with me,
you don't even know the half of it.

I'm creepy,
aren't we all?

don't tell me you want me to come over,
I am shallow
and won't make out with your short bald head.

don't tell me I remind you of her

she's gone.
across the world

and I am still here.

beep beep beep

Something needs to jump in my head and wake me up.
Monday morning, second cup of weak coffee,
make a sticky note, to remind myself, make me strong,
the coffee will make me strong, and be strong.

Coffee isn't magical
neither am I.

I need a push to get though this day.
I need a man in my bed to persuade me to come home.

There is too much also to remember this week:
having ADD,
finish this stupid course that is driving me crazy.
dealing with my roomates,
dealing with the people all around me,
dealing with life.

Isn't life dealing?

beep, beep, beep
another day
another dollar

intrigue

they were trying to find me.
and I understand in a way.
or it makes me happy in a way.
because I am strange,
enough to want to find.

and it's true.
I am.
I imagine things banging at my window, even though it is probably just wind.

strange things happen to me,
like scarfs and perfume from Saudi Arabia,
asks for threesomes,
men who don't know how to talk,

and myself,
strange as I am,
with the strange things I do,
like yell about SPCA dogs,
send away for free things from the Internet
listen to university radio, and if not that only indie

dance moves in the kitchen
make a hobby out of breaking wine glasses, dreaming about all the things I could be (am I too old to dream about all the things I could be?) sometimes I think I am.
Sometimes I think it's never too late for me to be a child.
and a child I am.
I live for Archie comics,
candy and TV shows that are made for 6 years old. (Spongebob Square Pants!)



Rap:
I have long legs, its part of what makes me me. I got my hair done short, I don't have the patience to be.
One of those girls, who does their hair.
I don't have a care.

i tried to do handstands for you

This is the church we have been going to, to hear music and make me feel alive for a moment.
It was only once, for a moment, briefly that I thought about Jesus. My opinion is Jesus would have liked it.
I think Jesus was a hippie, a revolutionary, someone who wanted to change the strict clauses of restraint then.

I also don't think he would be happy with today.
Today's church that is.
Some of it.
Jesus would have liked the music.
Lifting happy souls up to the rafters.
Jesus would have liked the gays,
as long as everyone has someone.

But what do I know, I am just a crazy hippie.

here is a church and here is a steeple

reminds me of my grandparents,
who did not go to church to hear music drunk.

it's cold in my apartment,
another of the joys of living in a cheap place.
sometimes you have no say.

and I am too harsh on people.
and would give another chance if it was asked for.

I've discovered that most people would be no where without second chances.

tonight I am getting shitcanned.
just to see what happens,
me and my partner in crime.

i keep my eyes on the prize,
the prize being good times,
and making life not about what we need to do
but what we feel like doing.

indie pop and churches

last night was wonderful,
and interesting
and a feeling
of warmth

i could write a better story everyday that what actually happens.
we are not settlers,
that`s all.

my date and I (she) I could love her, if I could love shes
we are both starting to feel like we have to settle,
but we don`t.
I won`t.

shes beautiful,
beautiful,
long legs,
brown hair
show stopping eyes.

so what is it then
just something about about luck
timing,
lottery,
or settling
because I wont.

I believe in the story
and if not story

then I believe in myself

myself is pretty good people

no point of putting up with someone because your scared to be alone
I`m not alone

i have the fucking best friends.

on my mind thursday

it's colder today.
the temperature went down.
so did my hope.

it's a new day.
i am trying to be positive.
fucking positive.

today is just a clean slate.
a new beginning,
a million other things can happen.

he's just not it.
his eyes might be,
but the rest of him isn't.

eggs and despertation

come back and make me fall into the vortex.
the vortex was a place where I forgot everything bad.
everything I don't like, disappeared.
everything I worry about,
forgot to be worried.

vortex
you
come
back

should I believe it Tarot?

It's been so long since I have felt this way.
And I feel like I am going to puke and dance and fall of the edge.
And I want it to not happen
and then happen so much,
that I am not sure which way to turn.

I'm scared.
Fucking terrified.
With good reason I would think.
I've been so happy just being myself for so long.
Blue sweat pants, unshaven legs.

And what if you turn out to be what I am sure you will be?
gone?
a disaster?
a pimp?
a liar?
a cheater?
anything but wonderful.

But god damn,
it was so wonderful,
looking into your beautiful eyes,
the feelings of pure delight.
up and down like a hundred little stars tinkling through my arms.

That's when you say fuck it,
fuck it ,
fuck it,
even if this goes nowhere,
those couple of moments can go in my pocket.

on my mind thursday

I haven't been in that building for a long time,
the building of love, or rather excitement,
I think I am ready to make another move into..


feeling crazy enough to jump in