Dear J

dear J,

I bubbled up with anger this morning. As much as I try to shake you off, I can't.
You stick to me, like a dirty flea that has buried itself into my skin, and I can't seem to pluck it out.
Or I don't want to.
As much as I know it is bad for me. As much as I know it needs to go.
Why D told me, " I talked to J and he told me you are not talking to him."
I turned away with a shrug before I became a volcano, hot lava pouring out of me.

I am not the one, not talking to you.
You are the 33 year old / 13 year old.
The one who ignores rather than faces all of the mistakes he has made.
You are the one who can't seem to express how he feels, nor deal with what you have done.
What you have done is become a natural disaster in my life,
pulling me along for your own selfish reasons.
All the while knowing how you feel. How I feel.
Does it give you pleasure to mess with my feelings?
Is this something that gives you satisfaction?
Breaking someone apart?
Is it because someone broke you?
Rather than be put back together, you need to break me?

I have this fantasy where all of this was for something,
all of the last year ,
all of the wasted time.
Becomes worth it in the end.
You man up, you want more, you need more, you realize what a catch I am.
Oh, and I am!

Not even you, could bring me down from that.
You would be lucky to have me,
I would accept all of your faults.
I would accept who you are.

But then,
oh but then,
maybe I don't know who you are.
Maybe you wear a mask, a mask for everyone.
Maybe you are a deceiver,
a heart breaker,
maybe you have more than me.

If that's the case, then I've been faulted.
I was tricked.
Fraud of the year.
I believed,
for a minute,
I did. For 1 minute.
that maybe,
you had a kind kind heart, and an old soul.
One that wanted to take care of me,
one that wanted to be taken care of.

Have I always been wrong?

the mindset

I am starting to buy into the mindset,
that everything will be ok.
and I don't really need a man.
God knows that one I wanted, has been chasen away.

one day, one day at a time.
sometimes I think, for a moment, that I have grown up, and can see it all clearer
but then I get this buzzing in my ear.

I think I'm so much better than I used to be.
but I wonder if I'll always keep up this feeling.
if I can stay happy, and alone without finally breaking.

Im the expert at being alone
and lately I am getting more people on my side.
but I'll get worried, real worried
If I'm here for the longest time.

is that what we are all supposed to be looking for?
is love the only answer?

Friday Afternoon. I can't look at my Phone again.

sometimes he is mean
sometimes he forgets where he is.
sometimes he is sick
sometimes he is going bald
sometimes his legs are too thin
sometimes he manipulates me
sometimes he makes me feel bad
sometimes he lies
sometimes he calls and wakes me up.

Why do I care?
Why can't I let him go?
Why are there some people that just don't make sense?
Why when you know that they don't work for you, why do you keep them around?

Why do some people stick to you like glue
and no matter how hard you shake, no matter how hard you pull they just don't come off.

You fit into me,
like a needle
stuck into my arm
a needle
poisining me,
but one I am not sure how to pull out

Defeated and Down

I feel like something big happened last night, like it was one of those nights where your life will never be the same again after.
How does anyone ever have these nights?
How do we make the decision to just do something,
something that changes everything.
In that small routine,
that is your life.
And Bam!
All of a sudden,
you are on the floor, with a sword to your throat,
and you know you have gone too far. Of course, I didn't actually have a sword to my throat, but I feel like that part of my life died last night, in once giant swoop of strangeness.
I knew he didnt love me, and I knew it all along, but I had to try one more time , just once more to make sure that I was right.
I was right,
and now I am probably
lost,
the best guy friend in my life. His strangeness and his power.
But
Jesus
I was not happy, with the way things were.

And then going to see the other,
the other,
yet so similar.
It was like the punch
pushing it away for good.
And I need to be picked up,
I feel like I am down
down
and out.
And nobody is here today,
which is the way it is supposed to be
I am thinking way too much,
and I feel in about 20 days
My life will be so different then it is
right now
at this moment
in some way
In so many ways,
and will other of them,
other of them consuming my mind right now,
will they still be there?
will they still have any part, of this puzzle.
Was the strangeness and the moments of feeling weird, just part of it? part of a real thing? did you feel it too?
the strangeness,
it's because I wanted to know you.
I want to know you,
but you think I am just a shadow
or
I am not sure what you think
or who you are.
except
except
for your soft
soft
blue eyes
I always go for blue eyes,
all of the ones, I ever really moved inside for
blue eyes,
CB blood helps too,
Are we all just looking for a little piece of our father?

my bed is shaking

and it feels like I am too
down with you
and down without you
melancholy
slipping away
into anger
and disappointment
always
strange and unfamiliar
as if it's been here before
but it knows it's not wanted.
and I don't fit anywhere
my legs are too long
and my eyes are too strange
and I hate making sandwiches
with their
perfect
stupid little corners
and their meaning
supposed to be meaning
lunch
and things that are mundane
I am not mundane
I am red wine
and little thoughts
big thoughts
and you
where do I belong?

i wish i had a julia childs kinda hat

I would like to wear fancy hats and have some fun and go to courdan bleu school.
I am wondering if there is anything else out there,
or people out there,
but then again I realize everyone is out there,
and everyone is feeling the same way,
at some point,
at some moment,
they feel the same way.

my brother was visiting, off the crab boat.
I can just imagine, his broad bony shoulders coming up over the head of the boat,
lifting heavy crabs out of the water
almost falling in
and i wonder
what he is thinking
and I wonder
if he is not scared.
he pretends to be not scared.
but he always does.
I wonder
how the wheels move in his small head.

I am some kind of woman

weird things keep happening to me, or I feel like they are happening to me.
I don't know.
He looks at me, he does not look at me.
He looks like he wants to kiss me and then he does not kiss me.

another tells me he loves me, but he does not love me.
what do I want?
what am I doing?

anothers eyes I let fall on my, even though it disgusts me.
but he does things for me,
he pretends I am real.